Marathon Life

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A Blog from the Past - Sept 22, 2001

Well, since Nirit had mentioned she recalls my blog entry about Ewan McGregor, I was so curious about what I actually had written. I vaguely remember writing that entry, but knew it was at least 9-10 years ago. His movie Moulin Rouge! came out in 2001 so that narrowed it down and I found the archive file. I had completely forgot that I saw it on an airplane to San Francisco from Boston (when I lived there still), just a few short weeks after 9/11.

Wow, just reading my perspective back then compared to now is fascinating. I was much more open and confessional. I guess I had nothing to hide, nothing to protect and didn't worry about people finding the blog online. Blogs weren't even called blogs then.  The comparisons of the Anthony of 2001 to the Anthony of 2010 are so interesting. Back then, I also was so unhappy with my career and job. I felt it in my core. I was at pivotal moment in my life. If I had decided to follow my passions back then, who knows where I would be today? So here it is, in its entirety. I think I will start posting old entries every now and then and reanalyze myself. Enjoy!

Dreamy Ewan McGregor
Sept 22, 2001-  Well I made it to San Fran safe and sound.  It did take an hour to even get my boarding pass.  I cut in front of someone not paying attention rather than going to the end of the endless line.  I got to the damn airport at 7AM and there were a shitload of people there.  I was amazed.  I had no idea there would be so many that early on a Sat morning.  The security check was yet another long line but it only took 15 min to get through.  There were armed military people at the metal detectors.  What a change.  The flight went ok.  I wasn't the nervous at all really.

On the plane though, I started to get all emotional inside.  They showed the movie "Moulin Rouge!"  Anyway, I was half paying attention but certain parts reminded me of the absence of love in my life.  Ewan McGregor sang love songs and it just really made me feel sad inside.  I feel like I'm missing out on so much.  There is a part of me inside that wants to love so much but I can't.  I'm left with emotions inside me that go absolutely nowhere.  I don't have anyone to love.  I'm not even searching for it.  I'm not even trying.  Why should I try though?  Shouldn't it just happen like magic - like in the movies?  I'm too idealistic.  I want my love life to develop just like it does in Hollywood.  Or sometimes I feel I'm too realistic.  I'm both?  It's a problem.

In the beginning of the movie, Ewan McGregor said he did not know what it was like to be in love.  He reminded me of myself and the past statements I have made.  He did an exceptional job in this movie.  I never realized just how attractive he was (or what a great voice he had - if that was him really singing).  I guess he looks a lot better with darker hair.  There was something about his eyes that captivated me.  I found myself just waiting for the close ups.   I found myself just waiting for him to sing another love song and I imagined he was singing those songs to me.  I was imaging that there was someone out there for me to love.  I imagined that love was not dead in my life.  It just really affected me.   I actually almost started to cry. 

Then I thought about my professional life.  I thought about my job and where it was going.  I thought about how I have been increasingly frustrated at work.  I haven't been the happiest, but this job has opened many more doors for me.  I have gained a lot of skills but I'm not sure it's what I wanted to do.  It's the best post-college job I have had so far, but I don't feel passionate.  I need something to drive me.  I FEEL passionate about music.  I want music to be a part of my life somehow.  I want to learn how to play music and write music.  I have been practicing on my guitar now for a month or so.  I have learned a lot on my own and will be taking private lessons in less than 2 weeks.  I've started the process.  I know I'll never put out a CD.  All I want to do is play my favorite songs and also maybe write some.  That's a long way away, but like all things it takes time. 

For a job that involves music I was thinking I could do some marketing/PR for some small record labels or artists.  It's something I would feel passionate about.  It's something that won't pay much at all but maybe it's what I need right now.  I need passion and it's lacking.  I need to feel validated in the workplace.  I am feeling more like an outsider at work.  The feeling is increasing everyday.  I feel pressure.  I feel I'm looked down upon.  That's why my manager quit - she felt she never got enough credit and was taken for granted.  I feel I'm filling her shoes.  I have to stop this before it gets out of control.  It's not bad now.  Don't get me wrong.  I think I perceive things differently than they actually are.  I need to work on that.  Something is off.  I think it boils down to my passion for the job itself.  It's somewhat dying.


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posted by Anthony at 12:03 AM


Anonymous Bethany said...

Oh Anthony! This is so real and touching. I know I have felt the same way many times. Good for you to actually write it down and post it for us to read. Your birthday sounded like a blast though - sorry I missed it!

5:08 PM  

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