Not going to live in fear
Being laid off once and having my life uprooted to AWFUL Orange County has caused me to live in fear sometimes. The decision to take a job in a undesirable/un-gay friendly place last year was Anthony taking the "safe" route. In retrospect, I should have waited out the recession and took my chances. But, I do think God had a plan for me ("everything happens for a reason" cliche) and I ended up where I am today (back in SD with a better job and condo) because of those past decisions. Would I have still decided to buy the condo if I had stayed in San Diego last year without any real job prospects? Who knows? Maybe I would have struggled to find work and been in the "I can't afford a condo" frame of mind. Maybe I would have found something better. I am grateful for what I have now and I have to remind myself of that everyday.
Since I work at an agency now, my continued employment depends on our clients. Not getting into specifics, but a major client of ours I currently am assigned to wants to narrow down the marketing agencies they use early next year. If we are not selected that would be a major hit to our agency's revenues. I am trying to not freak out, but it made me think, "what if they lose that client? Will I still have a job at this agency?" It really pissed me off to even think of having to look for a new job so soon. I actually felt sick to my stomach. I know I am jumping to the worst case scenario, but it's a defense mechanism that I have rooted inside me. I always prepare. I always anticipate. I tend to go with my gut feeling. I wish I didn't do this, but it's what I have ALWAYS done. It's masochistic. I need to stop. I need to stop now.
I have to look at the facts. I am very appreciated at work now. They would be crazy to get rid of me. At the same time, I have skills to offer if I HAD to move on to something else. Am I going to job search right now? Absolutely NOT! Am I going to worry about the what ifs? No! I am going to try something different and for once NOT live in fear and NOT think about the worst case scenarios. I am going to live in the present damn it!
At many of my past jobs I would constantly be looking over my shoulder and worrying about losing my job. Now I am going to look at the facts. The worst thing that could happen is that I do lose the job. Well, I have a roommate right now. I can afford to pay my mortgage and other expenses if I had to take unemployment income. I have money saved up. I will be fine. I have the confidence, resourcefulness and know-how to be successful.