Marathon Life

Friday, November 19, 2010

Not going to live in fear

With a new job, condo and my life back in San Diego, I am relatively happy these days. I am getting used to this life. I am happy at work too, which seems to be a rarity for me given the past 9 full-time jobs I have had since 1999. I'm 3 months into this new job and I really enjoy the work. I can't let my paranoia creep in and ruin this "at peace" feeling I have right now. The other day I stated to obsess and started worrying about losing my job again!  And you may be asking why?

Being laid off once and having my life uprooted to AWFUL Orange County has caused me to live in fear sometimes. The decision to take a job in a undesirable/un-gay friendly place last year was Anthony taking the "safe" route. In retrospect, I should have waited out the recession and took my chances. But, I do think God had a plan for me ("everything happens for a reason" cliche) and I ended up where I am today (back in SD with a better job and condo) because of those past decisions. Would I have still decided to buy the condo if I had stayed in San Diego last year without any real job prospects? Who knows? Maybe I would have struggled to find work and been in the "I can't afford a condo" frame of mind. Maybe I would have found something better. I am grateful for what I have now and I have to remind myself of that everyday.

Since I work at an agency now, my continued employment depends on our clients. Not getting into specifics, but a major client of ours I currently am assigned to wants to narrow down the marketing agencies they use early next year. If we are not selected that would be a major hit to our agency's revenues. I am trying to not freak out, but it made me think, "what if they lose that client? Will I still have a job at this agency?" It really pissed me off to even think of having to look for a new job so soon. I actually felt sick to my stomach. I know I am jumping to the worst case scenario, but it's a defense mechanism that I have rooted inside me. I always prepare. I always anticipate. I tend to go with my gut feeling. I wish I didn't do this, but it's what I have ALWAYS done. It's masochistic. I need to stop. I need to stop now.

I have to look at the facts. I am very appreciated at work now. They would be crazy to get rid of me. At the same time, I have skills to offer if I HAD to move on to something else. Am I going to job search right now? Absolutely NOT! Am I going to worry about the what ifs? No! I am going to try something different and for once NOT live in fear and NOT think about the worst case scenarios. I am going to live in the present damn it!

At many of my past jobs I would constantly be looking over my shoulder and worrying about losing my job. Now I am going to look at the facts. The worst thing that could happen is that I do lose the job. Well, I have a roommate right now. I can afford to pay my mortgage and other expenses if I had to take unemployment income. I have money saved up. I will be fine. I have the confidence, resourcefulness and know-how to be successful.
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posted by Anthony at 12:04 AM


Anonymous beth said...

ahh you sound like me - always worrying about things you can't control. Don't worry about this - seriously the stories you told me at Filter showed that you are extremely resourceful, smart and lucky! If you did lose your job - you would find another and looking at your past it would be a better one. :) I get stuck in the same cylce as you. Almost everyday is a "WTF did I do to my life?" moment in my head.

It's just not worth it. I try really hard to fight it and look at the positives, just like you. Strangely I've noticed that a lot of coffee can either help this situation or hurt it. hahaha!

9:46 PM  
Blogger Anthony said...

Thanks Beth! You are totally right. I am going to live my life and NOT WORRY for once. I am resourceful and I know I would be successful if I HAD to actually find work again.

11:31 PM  

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