After all this, I still am having major doubts about owning this condo. Part of me has never had such responsibility before. I should embrace it though, but it's really difficult for me to do that. I know I am close to the finish line now. It will only be a few more weeks before I can close. I don't have a firm date yet, but it should go through as soon as the underwriter at the bank reviews my application.
It's extremely difficult to stay focused at work. I haven't been able to really be productive for weeks. My mind is preoccupied with the condo, trying to get a new job and just how much I don't enjoy what I'm doing for a living. Given that, last week I applied for a Field Organizer position for a gay political group. I got a call the next day from the executive director and we had a short, but good conversation. I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow (6/1) in downtown San Diego.
This job would definitely be a huge cut in pay, but it could open a lot of doors for me. It's essentially becoming an activist. I thought this was the track I wanted to be on back in 1998 when I graduated college. I wanted to work in some capacity for gay rights. I was very motivated, but after working on a congressional campaign in Portland, OR I became disillusioned with politics overall. I regret that I didn't move forward with it then. I have a much different mindset now. Could this be my chance to actually do something important and fix a past regret? I am not going to live life with regrets anymore. I have to move forward and have no fear. Fear is what drives a lot of my decisions and I can't let it win.
A huge reason why I am moving back to San Diego is to try to get back the life I used to have here. I want the condo since it will establish some stability in my life. I have now lived in 8 different apartments since 1999 and had 23 roommates. It's time to be an adult and at 34 I am ready. I know the job search will be difficult but I am definitely resourceful enough to pull it off. I can do this. I just have to believe in myself. Although I have a lot of doubts right now, I think they will pass. I fear that I will blow though a lot of my savings once I leave my job. I just want stay and look for new work. I tried it for 4 months and it has lead to no job offers. I've had interviews and have come close, but still cannot land a new job. I honestly think that I'll have much more opportunities once I have the time to actually apply and look for jobs. I have been applying and searching but there are only so many hours in the day.
I never heard back about that Carlsbad contract job. I'm upset since the recruiter said they are hiring 5 positions. I thought for sure I would get one of them. It's been over 2 weeks since I had the interview. I just have to move on and hope there are other opportunities out there that the agency represents.