Marathon Life

Sunday, February 14, 2010

"Circles and circles and circles again"

Throughout my life I have taken quite a few risks. I never used to be that way. I would always play it safe, do what was expected of me most of the time. I never truly went through a typical rebellious teenage phase. I experienced sort of a delayed adolescence due to coming to out at 21 and finally accepting who I was. That was 13 years ago.

Since that time I have grown in many ways. I have been through relationships, heartbreaks and other struggles both physical and mental. So when I'm unhappy with a situation, I simply change it. Change has been such a constant in my life. In the last 11 years I've lived in 8 different apartments and 3 cities. I've also had 8 full-time jobs during that time. And yet, I feel I need yet another change coming on. It's an itch that I keep on scratching. It's very unsettling. I just want to have more stability in my life, yet it's so elusive.

I've had tremendous difficulty adjusting to new situations and growing older in general. I never let any situation last long enough to get used to it. Then I'm off to the next, new situation. After time, I get bored or frustrated or anxious. Then the cycle happens over and over again. This rings true with all of the jobs I've ever had. I simply have never stuck around long enough to truly settle in. Then I leave. Over and over again, I leave. I start something new, then I leave. Again. "Circles and circles and circles again."  I never thought a line from a Tori Amos song was going to be so appropriate for my life.

These circles must have a lot to do with not following my true passion in life. Not many people are lucky enough to have a job that they are truly passionate about. I see people who are doing exactly what they want to do and become envious. Like my friend Nathan, who went to culinary school to become a pastry chef. He's baking cookies along side a well-known cookbook author. It's great. It's absolutely great. I'm so happy for him, yet sad for myself. I still can't find my passion. I am passionate about running and tennis. I am passionate about natural foods, baked goods and chocolate. Yet I can't seem to create a career around it.

Here's a video of the Tori song "Cloud on my Tongue". The line comes at around the 3:00 mark when she talks about the circles.

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posted by Anthony at 12:17 AM


Anonymous beth said...

Oh Anthony try not to be sad..

I understand where you are coming from 100% believe me. I constantly feel the urge to keep moving - looking for something elusive I guess. The reality is that real happiness is really only in the present, not in the what could've been or the what could be.

I say just do what makes you happy. See if you can join some groups that revolve around that because you never know where that will lead and what type of opportunities might arise. At the very least if you have something exciting going on you might forget that you don't love your job 100%. Plus it will keep you moving into the direction of your passions and what you really want out of life.

I too often crave the stable -I see what my friends have - 9-5 job, house, kids. They seem happy but then I remember that there are a ton of people who would love my life too. Just like so many who would love the life you've lived and the opportunities you've had to move around and try out different jobs. Not many people get to do that!

Give yourself a pat on the back - the worst thing is not liking things and not changing them which is what most people do. You've done just the opposite and you should really reward yourself for that. It is REALLY hard to make changes in life.

The other thing you can do is try to plan something cool to do every 2 - 3 months. Sometimes I do that because it really gives me something to look forward to and makes time go by so much faster. Plan a trip or a class, whatever just make it something you wouldn't do normally, then try to do something similar every 3 months. Maybe take a class about natural food or how about a chocolate class! The other thing you can do is if you get really into making chocolate you can sell them on

My sister makes about $1500/mth on there selling stationary and I know people sell food because my sister has purchased brownies and all sorts of other things. Some people on there are making 100k/yr. I'm serious! It might be worth checking out and at the very least give you an outlet for all the awesome chocolates you will make - besides making all your friends gain weight!

8:52 AM  
Blogger Anthony said...

Thanks a lot for your words of encouragement. You have a great outlook and I need to change mine. The chocolate idea is great so I will look into that.

9:45 PM  

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