Soul Searching at a Crossroads

These past few weeks have certainly been trying for me. I have been in a funk - a pretty major funk. I have thought about quitting my job at least 100 times. Not a single day passes that I don't think about it, or I am least tempted by it. Also, I have thought about pulling the condo offer and just moving back to San Diego to rent a place once my lease ends on May 31. Then, I wouldn't have the responsibility of a mortgage, etc. I could just find a roommate and figure out my life for a while. Then I thought about that strategy. I wouldn't be able to take advantage of these historical low real estate prices and the first time home buyer's tax credit of $8000 if the condo closes by June 30. This is probably the only time of my life that I could afford property in San Diego. I have to take advantage of it.

I suppose I could still quit my job even if I owned the condo. So that is my plan. I'm going to hold on to my job until I legally own the condo and have a roommate lined up. Then I will resign and be free. I think that's the best plan for me. I realize others may think it's an absolutely ridiculous strategy. I happen to have savings I could utilize for living expenses until I figure something out. There is no sense in prolonging my anguish. I absolutely need to do something different and desperately need to reevaluate my life. I can't do this with a job that is keeping me inside of the box. I have to break this box apart. I need to tear it open and never, ever, look back. I am so tired of having regrets. I have to follow my passion. My passion is certainly not in OC and it's not doing marketing for a tech company. I'm not being true to myself. I feel like a fake half the time. Actually I feel like a fake ALL THE TIME when I am at work.

One of my regrets was not taking enough time during the time I was laid off last year to really find something I was passionate about, something I truly enjoyed. I didn't take full advantage. I had the security of a nice 4 month severance package and unemployment funds that would have lasted 9 months to a year. What did I do? I took the first offer that came along because I was scared. I was scared that I wasn't going to find anything in San Diego. I up and left one of my favorite places in this country. I left my home. I know I'm not that far away now, but I feel so distant. This condo purchase is my attempt to get my life back and become closer to what makes me a happier person.

Since I had to travel to FL for work this week, I was able to get some reading done on the plane. I'm halfway through Andre Agassi's biography "Open". The book really made me miss tennis. After reading the thoughts that went through his head during some of the most important matches of his life made me think about my past obsessions with tennis. From the age of 15-23 I pretty much ate, slept and breathed tennis. I spent hours practicing, I paid for my own tennis lessons and camp.  I recall the day that Agassi won Wimbledon (his first grand slam tournament) in 1992. Everyone at camp was so excited, some were crying. It was such an emotional and inspiring day. He wasn't supposed to win but he did. He defied the odds.

Reading Agassi's book made me realize just how interested I was in tennis and still am. Although I don't play competitively anymore, I still watch as much as I can on TV (well, when I had a DVR. I read every article I find. I thought to myself, why am I not working for some kind of tennis-related organization? I could totally do PR or write articles for tennis-related sites. I could organize events or do some other marketing related activities. I would love to just travel around the world for different tournaments. This is a dream and not a reality. I just get so discouraged. At 34 I feel like it's too late to attempt to have a career working within the tennis world.  I feel like I should have embraced it at the time I was so involved. Now, due to the industry I have worked in (technology) for so many year, I feel stuck.