Soul Searching at a Crossroads

These past few weeks have certainly been trying for me. I have been in a funk - a pretty major funk. I have thought about quitting my job at least 100 times. Not a single day passes that I don't think about it, or I am least tempted by it. Also, I have thought about pulling the condo offer and just moving back to San Diego to rent a place once my lease ends on May 31. Then, I wouldn't have the responsibility of a mortgage, etc. I could just find a roommate and figure out my life for a while. Then I thought about that strategy. I wouldn't be able to take advantage of these historical low real estate prices and the first time home buyer's tax credit of $8000 if the condo closes by June 30. This is probably the only time of my life that I could afford property in San Diego. I have to take advantage of it.

I suppose I could still quit my job even if I owned the condo. So that is my plan. I'm going to hold on to my job until I legally own the condo and have a roommate lined up. Then I will resign and be free. I think that's the best plan for me. I realize others may think it's an absolutely ridiculous strategy. I happen to have savings I could utilize for living expenses until I figure something out. There is no sense in prolonging my anguish. I absolutely need to do something different and desperately need to reevaluate my life. I can't do this with a job that is keeping me inside of the box. I have to break this box apart. I need to tear it open and never, ever, look back. I am so tired of having regrets. I have to follow my passion. My passion is certainly not in OC and it's not doing marketing for a tech company. I'm not being true to myself. I feel like a fake half the time. Actually I feel like a fake ALL THE TIME when I am at work.

One of my regrets was not taking enough time during the time I was laid off last year to really find something I was passionate about, something I truly enjoyed. I didn't take full advantage. I had the security of a nice 4 month severance package and unemployment funds that would have lasted 9 months to a year. What did I do? I took the first offer that came along because I was scared. I was scared that I wasn't going to find anything in San Diego. I up and left one of my favorite places in this country. I left my home. I know I'm not that far away now, but I feel so distant. This condo purchase is my attempt to get my life back and become closer to what makes me a happier person.

Since I had to travel to FL for work this week, I was able to get some reading done on the plane. I'm halfway through Andre Agassi's biography "Open". The book really made me miss tennis. After reading the thoughts that went through his head during some of the most important matches of his life made me think about my past obsessions with tennis. From the age of 15-23 I pretty much ate, slept and breathed tennis. I spent hours practicing, I paid for my own tennis lessons and camp.  I recall the day that Agassi won Wimbledon (his first grand slam tournament) in 1992. Everyone at camp was so excited, some were crying. It was such an emotional and inspiring day. He wasn't supposed to win but he did. He defied the odds.

Reading Agassi's book made me realize just how interested I was in tennis and still am. Although I don't play competitively anymore, I still watch as much as I can on TV (well, when I had a DVR. I read every article I find. I thought to myself, why am I not working for some kind of tennis-related organization? I could totally do PR or write articles for tennis-related sites. I could organize events or do some other marketing related activities. I would love to just travel around the world for different tournaments. This is a dream and not a reality. I just get so discouraged. At 34 I feel like it's too late to attempt to have a career working within the tennis world.  I feel like I should have embraced it at the time I was so involved. Now, due to the industry I have worked in (technology) for so many year, I feel stuck.

Goodbye San Diego and old cell phone bills

Last weekend I went back down to San Diego to get the rest of my stuff. I didn't think it was that much but my car was filled to the brim and I couldn't see out the back window or to my right. Very dangerous when driving on the highway but I stayed in the same lane most of the time.

I didn't realize just how much stuff I hold on to like very old cell phone bills. I have cell phone bills from Cellular One (then became Cingular) from 1999! At work we have a shredder bin that is locked so I took them in today to get rid of those. There is no need to hold on to those. I got rid of all from 1999-2003 before I changed to Verizon.

It was interesting to note that back in 1999 I only receive 15 peak minutes but free nights and weekends from 8pm - 7am. My bill was only $20. Then in 2000, I received 30 peak minutes. When I changed to a national calling plan in 2003, I received 150 peak. Now I receive 450 peak minutes and nights/weekends begin at 9pm, which is really annoying. When it was 8pm it was perfect. Of course the cell phone carriers want you to use as many peak minutes as possible to make the most money.

I really limit my peak usage though. I have come close before, but I just use Skype instead. My bill is always $55 and that includes $5 for 250 texts and another $5 for insurance. I have an LG Envy 2, so it is a reltatively expensive phone. I don't want to take any chances.

It was bittersweet to leave San Diego. I really will miss the city but I am so close. It's just meeting people up here in Orange County that will be the hard part. The next few weekends will be busy since I will be in NYC for work next weekend. I'll get to see Nathan, Jason and Leigh Anne. Then the weekend after that is LA Pride, so I'll drive up to see Alexis. Then the weekend after that I should be in Newport.

San Diego weekend coming to a close

On Friday afternoon I drove down to San Diego since I needed to pack up and sell my bed and dresser. I also wanted to spend time with friends as I know no one in Newport Beach yet. I left Irvine at 2:45pm or so. The drive took almost 3 hours! I should have waited until 7pm, but my manager let me leave early. I should have left at noon or something. I just felt bad leaving so early during my first week.

It was a long drive but was happy to be back to San Diego and hang with friends for the weekend. On Friday night I went to Bourbon Street with Newell, Ryan and Justin. It was ok, kind of dead and many more lesbians than usual. Then on Saturday I organized stuff for a while and then went walking around Balboa Park with my friend Ryan. I am going to miss that park and all of the beautiful scenery, the flowers, greenery, etc, etc. Before I left for the walk, I posted my bed and dresser on Craigslist and within 20 min I was already getting calls so after our walk I rushed home to get rid of the bed ($45) and then later that night the dresser ($25). I should have priced them a little higher as I received at least 15 phone calls. That's the beauty of Craigslist. You can buy or get rid of something very easily. I thought it was going to be a stuggle to get rid of the bed. I was so wrong!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ with my ex-coworker Suzanne in South Park. It was great. The food was good as I really craved meat, so I got to eat some nice chicken. I also had this amazing Julian apple crumb pie and brownies! I did not run on Saturday due to my achilles (or a tendon around that area) still being sore from my Thursday night run in Newport (I did and out and back 7.2 mile run along the Pacific Coast Highway). I ran 5.3 miles yesterday (Sun) around my neighborhood here in University Heights. It was good as I did not feel too much pain and did 6:52 pace according to the Nike sensor. Oh, I need to replace the sensor soon since the battery is low (as displayed on the screen). I hope it is not $30 and I can just buy another sensor for less. Today I did not run but walked with Justin in Pacific Beach down the boardwalk. The sun finally peaked out at 3:30pm finally (typical May gray pattern in San Diego).

I still (5pm) have not packed up my car. I was able to put books in boxes and pack kitchen stuff and most of my clothes. I am coming back down next weekend to wrap it up. I still need to water plants next weekend as one of the last apartment manager duties. It was a good gig doing it as it didn't take too long to maintain the grounds, etc. I am going to miss San Diego a lot, but I am only a 90 min drive away (without traffic!).

I also found out that my friend Ivan and his ex-boyfriend Mahesh live in Irvine! Mahesh works in the same office park that I do! Thanks to Facebook I was able to find Mahesh and then I wrote Ivan, who I have not spoken to since 2006. It is great to have friends in the area. I missed them a lot.

On a random note: Mahesh took photos of me at the 2005 Long Beach Marathon (above is one). Ivan was living in Long Beach back then since he was going to UC Irvine at the time and has since graduated. Anyway, the photos were very good. He really captured the struggle and exhaustion he was going through at the finish line. I ran 3:09 that year (not the best time for me, but middle of the road). I have since run faster than that, but that year I had not trained to my utmost capacity. So I was happy to squeak in under 3:10.

The OC, I live there now

Well, I have officially moved to the OC, on Balboa Island in Newport Beach. I started my new job today in Irvine. I probably should have waited until 5/20 to start since I flew back from Houston last night at 9pm. Then I packed some things and drove to Newport at 10:20pm! I got there around 11:45 and was up until 1AM! Then I got up at 6:40AM to be at work by 8AM!. CRAZY.

It was a great 5 years in San Diego. In this economy I had to expand my search to LA and Orange County. It's ok. I will definitely thrive. I want to. For so much of my career I have not thrown myself into something. I want to do this at this new job. I don't know many people here so I can focus my energy on that and running. The company has it's shit together. It's amazing how much more efficient they are compared to my last company. It just seems like they are on the cutting edge and are much more forward thinking. They even have a Facebook page!

My hamstring is feeling better these days. I was in Italy May 8-16 so I only ran once through the streets of Venice. I ran once in Houston before heading back to CA. I ran around Balboa Island twice and took amazing photos of the sunset. I cannot believe I will be able to enjoy that sunset EVERY DAY. I caught the ferry boat going through it. So amazing. I live in paradise.

I'll be going back to San Diego this weekend to pack more things and hang out with friends. It's a bit sad to leave, but I am still within a 90-min drive.